Thursday, 30 April 2009

I Hate... Fear / I should probably stick to watching Mean Girls

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." Yeah right Franklin Roosevelt, you clearly never sat down and watched Changeling. Yes, I'm a year late but I've never actually been emotionally affected by a film, let alone a week after seeing it. Now I'm living in a perpetual state of chronic, unrelenting fear.

Thanks to Clint Eastwood’s dramatisation I am now frightened of:
  • The police
  • Doctors
  • Nurses
  • Everyone with links to the mental health sector - and I mean everyone, cleaners and cooks in mental institutions included
  • Orphans
  • Anyone with a chicken coop.

Who do I have left to trust? I’ll tell you who: John Malkovich. And I don’t even know him.

Monday, 27 April 2009

I Hate... Illness / Swine Flu

Yes! A flu epidemic. Finally, I have an excuse to dress like this and not be questioned.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

I Hate... Indecisive Juries / In order to make myself feel better about Phil Spector’s guilty verdict, I need serious retail therapy.

I know he’s mental and all, but I was secretly hoping and wishing Spector wasn’t going to the slammer. I preferred the idea that he just toted pistols for a bit of a laugh; harmless fun. I’m sure Louis Theroux will be living with him in his cell within the next year for our viewing pleasure. Actually, Louis has a new documentary airing on Sunday, with the catchy title “A Place for Paedophiles.” His investigative journalism is the only TV programming I have time for. That's Phil Spector's license plate, by the way. Not mine.
Anyway, Michael Jackson’s possessions go on sale soon and I’ve selected the items that take my fancy:

I’m a big fan of celebrity dolls in general. I don’t care who they’re of, I just like the concept. These one’s are mega rare. I only have the dolls from the Dangerous/HIStory era, which pale in comparison to these beauties.

This black and white painting would look lovely in my room. The first thing I would do is have an artist add me into the crowd of kids frolicking in Neverland. Cool.

Also, this elaborate oil-on-canvas triptych is definitely what my family home is missing. Meal times would unquestionably benefit from such grandiose, flamboyant furnishings. Imagine having your Christmas dinner with your grandparents around this ostentatious furniture, and then try to tell me you’re not tempted to put in a bid...

In other Jackson news: I’ve always believed him to be a fashion-forward icon (only a blind fool would disagree, surely?) and he’s right on the pulse of style with this women’s Balmain Fall 2009 tee he was sporting last week. He’s too cool for school.

Monday, 6 April 2009

I Like... Recognition / I’m a high achiever... Honestly.

I worked really hard at college and all I got was this lousy certificate.
And mandatory book tokens. I feel like all the hard work and the two years of isolation that made up my time at college was definitely worth it now. I actually loved my lessons but hated approximately 95% of the other students. My award was for being pretty much the best English student (ever).

English is the only subject anyone should bother studying for two reasons: -

1) Idiots think it’s “well easy.” They think, “I can speak English”, (barely, of course) “therefore I’ll be good at it.” Wrong. Listening to some of the less able members of the class trying to analyse Middle English texts and trying to deduce some kind of linguistic evaluation often made my day.
2) Subjects like Maths and Science are too abstract, useless and boring.
When awkwardly shuffling up to receive the above certificate, a small bit of your academic history and achievement was recalled, which you were also given a printed copy of.
I like that the end bit had been quickly scrawled through with a biro.

FYI: I spent about a month at uni in September and quickly realised it was, for lack of a more eloquent adjective, shit. Student lifestyle, in my mind, is to be avoided at all cost. I hated it. I don’t understand what the fuss is about.
Despite government propaganda, university is NOT your fail-safe guarantee to a successful, interesting, satisfying career, an equally gifted spouse and perfect kids who can play numerous instruments. Sorry to break it to you.