Monday, 6 July 2009

I Hate... Relativism / Universal Beauty Truths

When it comes to personal appearance we can pretend it’s all subjective and act like looks don’t matter, but when it comes down to basics we’re all striving for the same things and looking for the same staple attributes in potential partners. Forget Relativism – here are the five universal, absolute and unchanging truths about beauty. I challenge you to defy them.


1) Sharp Cheek Bones

What is it about good bone structure that simply exudes beauty? I don’t know, hollow faces are just hot. Hands up if you would never have dreamed of wasting 117 minutes on Twilight if it hadn’t have meant 117 minutes of swooning over RPattz face? Would Kate Moss have ever banged Johnny Deep or been a Vogue cover girl a record breaking 26 times without razor sharp bone structure? Of course not: Twilight would have deservedly flopped and Mossy would just be an average wonk-eyed, chain-smoking Croydon gal. You’ve either got it or you don’t; no amount of surgery will ever be able to replicate the mouth-watering desirability of high, sculpted cheek bones. I suppose heroin could give you that concave-cheeked look but I’m pretty sure a whole load of other unwanted side-effects go along with the territory.

2) Clear Skin

This one is obvious; the connotations of cleanliness and good health are what preserve a clear complexion as the pinnacle of good looks. If it wasn’t for acne we’d all be lookers with no need for make-up or Photoshop. But Mother Nature is the biggest bitch of them all and will undoubtedly ruin your life at some point with blemishes.

3) Unwanted Facial and Body Hair

Having to remove unattractive, stubborn hair is a fact of life. GET OVER IT. There’s nothing sadder than a girl of college age with dark hair who still hasn’t accepted that she’s going to have to wax her upper lip - you owe it to yourself to remove it and to those around you who have the difficult task of trying not to stare straight at it. Plus there’s always that one girl at school who refuses to shave her legs: the one from my school days said she wasn’t going to remove even one strand of hair from her entire body until she was married. Good luck finding an eligible partner who isn’t repulsed by you. Equally disheartening are boys who don’t ask their dad’s for a razor quite early enough. You know, they have that creepy, wispy kind of facial hair sprouting out of their chins. Pluck up the courage to have man-chats or pluck out each individual, offending hair.

4) Classical Good Looks

Make-up trends are exactly that: transient, temporary and made to forget. Garish colours may seem like a good idea and easy way to make yourself seem more interesting, eye-catching or forward thinking but you know that everyone else thinks you look like a dick and deep down, you know it too. Quite quickly you’ll realise there is nothing wrong with being conventionally pretty: lashings of mascara makes your eyes all big and beautiful, a touch of blusher makes you appear fresh and vibrant and the subconscious psychology behind wearing lipstick and gloss is that it makes one’s mouth appear to resemble a wet vagina. I don’t know if that’s true but I guess it makes sense.
5) Gentlemen Prefer a Hair Colour That Suits Your Complexion

Whether you’re, blonde, brunette or a redhead, there’s just no need to stray from what your genes have bestowed upon you. By all means, enhance whatever you’ve got: go from dirty blonde to platinum or carrot top ginger to smoky red but never try to change category .Your new hair colour will not suit your skin tone, your roots will become the bane of your existence and the curtains will not match the carpet.

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